When You're Hoping Someone Will Change

 

Have you ever wasted time and energy hoping someone else will change? Maybe you hoped that they would realize they were hurting you with their abusive and manipulative behavior. Maybe you hoped they would stop treating you like an object. Maybe you felt a certain habit was disrespectful to you. Maybe you felt like you were more of an option than a priority in your partner’s life. Or maybe it was simply that you thought that person was a great life partner except there was one major point of incompatibility that you hoped they would change so you could be more compatible. 

 

Whatever the reason was, and whether the person was purposefully hurting you or not, the end result is the same. You end up feeling desperate, your self-esteem drops, you start dropping your standards and boundaries (if you had any to begin with) and you start believing that you’re not worthy of anything better. 

 

I did a recent YouTube video on The Change Talk and I wanted to do a podcast episode to go deeper into this subject because it’s a huge theme that comes up, not just when dealing with narcissists and other manipulators but with people in general. 

 

It’s really important to talk about this topic because you could end up losing months or years of your life preoccupied with trying to get someone to change. There is nothing more frustrating and disappointing! 

 

Of course this topic could apply to relationships, friendships, family, etc yet it’s most prevalent to see people hanging on long after their hope has passed the expiration date in intimate relationships because of the amount of time you spend with that person and the level of priority that you give them in your life. 

 

There are 3 necessary steps for change. Without one of these, you or anyone else, simply won’t be able to change. 

 

You could try to get a person to see what they’re doing and try to help them increase their self-awareness but you may or may not be successful in opening their eyes. If they’re in denial and they don’t want to see it, there’s nothing you could say or do to change that. You can’t control their defense mechanisms. You also can’t force them to put aside their pride so they can realize that they do need to change something about themselves, about the way they’re treating you and/or others. You also can’t force them to grab the reins of self-responsibility and take action to change their life. None of that is under your control and trying to control it will only lead you into suffering.  

 

"Suffering is not love," says psychologist Walter Riso. 

 

In this episode I'm going to talk about 5 schemas that might be going on in the background when you’re still holding onto the hope that someone will change. You might notice that you’re predominantly stuck in one of them or you might notice that several of them are at work. I’ll also give you some tips on breaking these habits so you can set yourself free.

 

 

You’re putting more weight on your righteousness than your happiness and peace. This schema comes from the ego that wants to be right and wants to win.  

 

You find yourself trying to convince another person that something is wrong with their behavior. You want them to acknowledge or validate that you’re right and they need to change. 

 

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong. You might be totally right that their behavior is disrespectful and unacceptable. 

 

What’s the problem here?

 

You’re sacrificing your happiness and peace, maybe even your health, sanity, wellbeing, success and dreams in order to try to get that person to see how their behavior is unacceptable. 

 

You’re willing to make this sacrifice because you’re lacking self-worth and your approval barometer is facing externally not internally. Instead of giving yourself the validation that their behavior is not okay for you and your standards, you’re looking for validation in the other person. You want them to admit it. You’re handing over the keys to your happiness to someone else. 

 

You’re likely getting super frustrated. That’s causing stress on your Autonomic Nervous System, which will start manifesting as anxiety and digestive issues then eventually it will cause major health problems over the long run like cardiac conditions and diseases of the nervous system. You might even feel like you’re losing your sanity at times, because how could that person not realize that what they’re doing is wrong?

 

You’re probably losing your dignity in the process of trying to get the other person to admit they’re in the wrong. You’re accepting behavior that is unacceptable while telling yourself that if you just keep holding the mirror and showing them the wrong of their ways, they’ll one day finally admit it. 

 

This will eat away at you over time creating long-lasting resentment and regrets. The hardest person to forgive is yourself, and when you’re holding onto the hope that this person will one day wake up and realize how their behavior is not okay, you’ll later regret having stayed so long in a hopeless situation and given up so much of yourself in the process. You’ll wonder why you stayed and kept negotiating with a person who was incapable of either realizing how much they’re hurting you or taking action to change their bad habits. 

 

The bottom line: If you can’t accept your partner for who they are, it’s better to end the relationship and meet someone else who shares similar values, dreams and goals. Stop trying to convince someone why they’re wrong. Validate yourself and move on. 

 

 

You’re looking for sympathy, pity, recognition, saint status from others when you tell them about what you’re going through. You need to hear things like “poor you, you do so much and you’re never appreciated.” 

 

This is a coping strategy for dealing with the victimization and it could even be a form of attention-seeking in people who have Cluster B traits. You might be playing the victim to justify the ways that you abuse or manipulate others. 

 

You likely feel sorry for yourself and you tell yourself the story that you’ve got it so much worse than everyone else and it’s so unfair. You might even notice that you’re in constant competition to see who is the biggest victim and you really want that trophy. 

 

You could be framing it like you want to help, save, heal or fix the person who is abusing, manipulating or disrespecting you and you're trying so hard and giving so much but the other person just won’t change. This story gives you martyr status so you can carry your victim card. 

 

You might even find that you go on rampages calling out “victim blaming” when you aren’t given an award for your martyrdom and instead people are reminding you that it’s your responsibility to leave if you’re not okay with the terms of a relationship. 

 

What’s the problem here? 

 

You’re not accepting self-responsibility. You’re putting it all outside yourself so you don’t have to look within and see your participation in the situation. The abuse was never your fault. Your choices however, are your responsibility. 

 

This isn’t to say you’re not a victim. You are. You’re in Stage One of the recovery process, which is called the Victim Stage. We’ve all been there. However, it’s a choice to stay there or to accept self-responsibility and empower yourself forward. That will require you getting uncomfortable, getting humble and recognizing that you need to make some changes in your life. Some people never leave the Victim Stage. 

 

Your pride is blocking your ability to be humble and accept that you have work to do on yourself and the problem isn’t entirely outside yourself. 

 

When you’re stuck in this schema, you feel powerless. Empowerment comes with self-responsibility. When you haven’t grabbed those reins over your life yet, you’re stuck, stagnant and unable to move forward. Naturally you’ll have a lot of excuses for why you can’t move forward, you’ll prefer to complain about it than to do something about it. This further reinforces your sense of learned helplessness. 

 

You’re probably exhausting your friends and draining their energy talking about the same problems over and over but not taking action. They’re probably getting tired of giving you advice that you’re not taking and eventually they start distancing themselves from you because every time they talk with you, you dump so much on them that you leave them with a feeling of negativity and toxicity. 

 

Your own life is so out of control so it’s easier for you to focus your control on other people but that doesn’t work since you can’t control other people, so that only further reinforces your frustration and sense of helplessness. You could be blind to your own issues of toxicity because you see yourself as a saint, an empath, a giver and you're in denial about your own shortcomings. 

 

The bottom line is: You need to focus on accepting 100% self-responsibility over your life. You’ll need to create an action plan with structure so you can start taking small steps forward. You’l need to be willing to get uncomfortable in this process. Stop wasting your energy complaining and use that energy to take action. No one else can do this for you. It’s up to you to change your life. It’s up to you to rescue yourself. 

 

It’s also important to start focusing on gratitude so you can appreciate the positive things in your life, stop blaming others and grab the reigns of responsibility over your life no matter what obstacles come across your path. 

 

 

You truly don’t believe you deserve better. You’ve come to believe that you’re worthless or have low value because of how people have treated you this way for a long time.

 

You have a deep sense of shame around who you are and our lack of standards and boundaries teaches other people that you don’t believe you’re worthy, so manipulative people tend to take advantage of you. 

 

Maybe you date people who your friends and family are baffled by, wondering what you see in that person. You don’t see your beauty or attractiveness, you have deep insecurities about your body and/or other aspects of who you are so you settle for people who don’t value you because that’s how you feel about yourself. You accept being an option or last minute thought in someone’s life because deep down you don’t believe you deserve to be a priority. Of course you probably make those same people a priority in your life, waiting around for them to contact you, leaving your schedule open so when they text you at the last minute you can be available and see them for the few crumbs they are ready to dish out so they can get what they want from you. 

 

What’s the problem here?

 

You lack standards and the boundaries to protect those standards. Standards are like the Terms & Conditions for having a relationship with you. They are guidelines, not demands. People are free to disagree and not meet your standards of respect but that means they can’t be with you. Your boundaries draw that line. 

 

Maybe you notice that you kinda have standards right up until you meet someone and start to like them. Then when they start doing things that are disrespectful or unacceptable, you start to lower your standards in order to maintain the relationship instead of setting the boundary and walking away. In the process of compromising your standards and settling, you lower your own value and you compromise your dignity so you can stay in connection with that person. 

 

Maybe you lack assertiveness around your standards and boundaries. You’re afraid to say what is okay and what’s not, what you need and want because you’re afraid the other person will leave. When you lack assertiveness you’ll compromise yourself, your values and you’re worth so you can accept breadcrumbs of love.  

 

Your self-worth is part of your immunity to abuse, use and manipulation. Your self-worth reminds you that you’re worthy of respect and decency, you are worthy of being a priority in your partner’s life and any behavior not aligned with those standards is not working for you, therefore it has to go! When you have healthy self-worth you don’t keep trying to fix someone or show them how their behavior is hurtful or immature. You simply walk away. 

 

The bottom line here is: Work on becoming a high value man/woman. This means you have 0 expectations because people will be who they are and inevitably reveal themselves. Your standards however, are high as fuck. This means you don’t seek approval in others. You give that to yourself. You know your worth and don’t need that confirmation from others. You know what you want and you’re not afraid to say no to what you don’t want. You’re clear about what’s okay for you and what’s not. You’re happy, independent, you meet your own needs and don’t need a partner to make you happy or meet your basic needs. If someone doesn’t see your value, you’ll move on instead of trying to convince them of your value or why their behavior is unacceptable. You don’t settle or compromise your value in order to maintain a relationship. You’re able to communicate directly and confidently who you are and where your boundaries are. You are consistently working on your self-care and caring for others, always making sure you are meeting your needs first before overextending yourself. You are emotionally stable and are able to self-soothe when you’re feeling upset. You’re able to say no and walk away from anyone disrespecting you. You’re focused on growth and personal development. You’re passionate about something in your life. You have a full life with interesting things going on and you’re not always available. You don’t give up what matters to you in order to see someone else when it’s convenient for them. You’re respectful to yourself and others. You want to understand others and you are interested in others. 

 

 

Your fear of loneliness likely comes from childhood and/or past adult relationships. You prefer to be in a relationship, even an unhealthy, toxic one because you don’t know how to be alone. 

 

When you're afraid of being alone, you end up lowering your standards and settling for someone who is emotionally literate or indifferent to your feelings. This is the worst kind of loneliness. It’s much worse than actually being alone but your subconscious can’t accept that yet so you keep trying to connect with someone who is unavailable, either because they’re incapable of emotional connection or they simply don’t want to connect with you or care about your feelings. 

 

You end up people-pleasing in an effort to try to win over the attention or affection of the other person. You start losing more and more of yourself in the process. You’re exhausting yourself and making excuses for why it’s okay for you to keep trying to get the other person to connect with you, to want to prioritize you or even simply to show up for you on a regular basis.  

 

What’s the problem here?

 

You accept relationships with a lack of reciprocity and you keep giving more to try to make it work because you really don’t want to be alone again. Your partner doesn’t love you like you want to be loved and you’re hoping they’ll have a sudden realization how to love you. You’re probably confusing the sex with actual intimacy because those are the only moments where you feel a sense of closeness with your partner. You might even be doing things sexually that you don’t like in order to please your partner so they don’t leave or cheat. You’re terrified that your partner will leave you for someone else or hide another relationship behind your back. 

 

All the people-pleasing is making you lose your sense of self, your authenticity, your light in order to maintain the relationship. 

 

The bottom line here: You need to face the reality that you’re more alone in the relationship than when you’re actually alone. Lean into the discomfort of the loneliness. Take some time off from relationships and dating so you can feel it in order to heal it. Stop indulging in distractions and addictions that mask the feeling of loneliness. 

 

You’ll also need to work on rebuilding your self-worth. Start by identifying your values, what really matters to you in life and relationships. Then based on those values, you can create a set of standards and start setting and enforcing boundaries to protect your standards. Every time you do this, your self-worth grows. 

 

If you don’t take time out alone to work on yourself and face the loneliness, you’ll end up quickly in another relationship with someone who might at first make you feel very heard and seen but eventually makes you feel more alone while with them than without. That pattern will repeat indefinitely and escalate in terms of the amount of pain and devastation it will bring into your life until you are willing to face the loneliness and recognize that it’s not so bad to be alone, and in fact it’s much better than being with someone who doesn’t value or respect you. 

 

 

Personal growth is important to you so you’re always working on yourself. The person you are today is very different than the person you were 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 5 years ago. You’ve taken a great deal of self-responsibility over your life and you continually work on improving yourself to be the best you can be. You read books, take courses and seminars, you see therapists and other practitioners to nudge you along in your journey and you’re open to their suggestions and recommendations. You naturally assume others are interested in doing the same. This is a dangerous assumption. Only a small percentage of the population is actively working on personal growth. 

 

You could also be projecting your other good qualities on people. Your self-awareness could make you think that others are just as aware of themselves. Your humbleness could make you think that others could just put aside their pride like you do and admit they need to change and be receptive to suggestions and advice. Your self-responsibility could make you think that others are also responsible for themselves and taking action to grow. Your loyalty and devotion could blind you from seeing that your partner is incapable of being faithful or has an addiction like porn or oogling at half-naked people on Instagram or something. 

 

You are the person who falls in love with someone else’s potential. You are full of hope and optimism yet people continually disappoint you by not living up to the potential you see in them. 

 

What’s the problem here?

 

You’ll continue in this projection of your good qualities on others until the point where they do something awful enough to break through your denial and force you to see the reality of who they really are. Again this doesn’t even have to be at the level of personality disorder. It could simply be someone with a point of immaturity that is incompatible with your level of maturity and self-worth. 

 

The bottom line is: Stop projecting onto others and get curious instead about who they are. Observe the way people talk and act. Notice how they describe their life today compared to the past and where they see themselves in the near and distant future. Allow people to reveal themselves over time and believe them when they do. Stop looking for endless home improvement projects. Ask yourself, what could you be investing your time and energy in instead that is actually worth it? 

 

When you meet new people ask them what they do for personal growth. Ask them what their goals and dreams are, where they see themselves 5 or 10 years from now. Stop dating people for their potential and only date people who’s present reality you like. 

 

You might notice that you start off in one of these 5 schemas and then as you’re forced to confront reality, you shift into another one. Like maybe you start by projecting your good qualities on another person until one day they reveal who they are. Then maybe you shift into the fear of being alone and so you settle for what’s no okay for you and fall back into people-pleasing tendencies. Or maybe you start to convince yourself that you’re not worthy of someone who treats you with respect and care so you compromise your standards and boundaries in order to continue the relationship, then lower your self-worth even more in the process. 

 

Remember, your love, help, reasoning or suffering can’t force someone else to change. Change comes from a drive within. Any change imposed by external factors will likely be short-lived. 

 

It may be hard to accept that it's disrespectful to try to change someone. You’re not a behavioral corrections facility and you’re not the karma police. If you can’t accept 100% of that person, it’s not your person. Stop trying to change them and create space in your life for someone you don’t need to change in order to have a relationship and your self-worth. 

 

If you talk about someone in terms of “if only’s” then you know that’s not your person. ie: "he’s an amazing partner and father to our kids if only he wasn’t so controlling” “she’s my dream girl and I love her. If only she were more emotionally and sexually available.” If onlys mean you’re venturing into the seas of fantasy and leaving the land of reality. 

 

You’re not a bad person for wanting someone to change and stop hurting you but also recognize that it’s not noble to offer help to someone who doesn’t want it and to sacrifice yourself in the process. You are right that it’s unacceptable to be treated with abuse, use, manipulation and mistreatment however it’s not your right nor your responsibility to change someone else. You can only be responsible for yourself.

 

So if someone is not treating you well, get out. Walk away from people who treat you that way. 

 

Another thing is don’t fall for pretty words and promises. Be extra careful with people who say they’ll change but don’t. They say they’ll take action and then they don’t or they do the exact opposite of what they said they’ll do. They’re showing you that their word is not valuable or trustworthy. Look for real actions and patterns of change. They’re either there or not. If the actions and patterns of change are not there, it’s time to let go. 

 

The sooner you bury the hope that someone else will change, the sooner you can liberate yourself, your time, your energy and move forward with the space in your life for someone more compatible to enter.  

 

When you keep trying to fix someone or something and it’s just not working, your self-esteem will suffer. Increase your self-esteem by focusing on yourself and being effective at what you can actually change. 

 

Essentially all of these 5 schemas I mentioned involve a lack fo self-worth. Work on your self-worth so you can recognize when someone or something is not matching your value and standards a lot sooner. I’m not just referring to personality disorders but even simple incompatibility with people in general. 

 

You can offer people the opportunity of new awareness when an issue shows up that isn’t working with your standards. I recommend asking them what they think/feel about the issue and not immediately revealing what you think/feel about it. This way you have a greater chance of hearing a sincere answer. If you tell them you think it’s disrespectful they might agree with you only to tell you what you want to hear and then hide the behavior better until one day when it all comes out. If when you ask them how they think/feel about it and you feel like they’re now aware of something they weren’t aware of and they decide on their own free will that they will stop that behavior, then you can observe to see if in fact they are following through or not. You can give them a second chance. If the behavior shows up again, you might choose to have a more serious conversation about it in which you make it very clear how you think/feel about that behavior and how it’s not aligned with your standards. If they vow to change that because the relationship and you matter to them, then you could offer them another chance. If it happens a 3rd time, then it’s best to apply the 3-strike rule and exit that relationship knowing that you gave them more than ample opportunity to change if they wanted to. 

 

Now remember, sometimes something someone does is so unacceptable that you decide it’s a one and done kind of situation, so you don’t even have the conversation or extend a second chance. You might choose to tell them why it’s over while you’re on the way out or you might feel it’s safer in that situation to just go dark and block the person without explanation. It’s your call. I recommend you make a list of all the deal-breakers for you in relationships, so you are well aware in advance of what the one and done kinds of behaviors are. 

 

Being hopeful and having dreams isn’t bad, just remember to balance this with your thinking brain. Ask your mind, does this make sense? Is this really what I want? How is this situation or relationship affecting my life? If this person never changes, will that be okay for me? Am I sacrificing my happiness or self-worth in order to maintain this relationship?

 

The bottom line is stop waiting for people to change if you want to increase your sense of happiness, self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth and self-love. 

 

Invest your hope in your goals and dreams instead. 

 

Stop thinking that’s the only person for you. That kind of thinking is delaying your happiness and blocking the path for a person who actually is compatible with you, your values, goals and dreams. 

 

It’s never too late to start over. Your mind just tries to talk you out of that because it’s a lot more scary to face the unknown and a lot more of a drag to start over again. You have to be willing to get uncomfortable if you want things to get better. 

 

Ask yourself when meeting new people, if that person never changed in 1 year, 5 years, would you still want to be with them?

 

Remember this doesn’t just apply to people with personality disorders. All humans can change but most choose not to. If you are actively working on personal growth and self-healing, then look for someone who is growth-minded like yourself, someone who is self-aware, humble and takes action including responsibility over their own life. Self-responsibility is the new sexy in today’s world where so many people are lacking that valuable quality. 

 

Keep in mind that when you have healthy self-worth and are actively focused on personal growth, the percentage of the dating pool that’s compatible with you will be much, much smaller and that’s okay. Everything of true value is rare.