When You Say NO To Toxic People

Toxic people don’t take NO for an answer. 

Overt types abuse boundaries by force.

The more overt types of abusers bulldoze your boundaries.

They take the more direct and obvious approach to disregarding and disrespecting any limits that other people have.

The overt types take what they want and feel shamelessly entitled to violate the target's consent.

Most people can recognize this as abuse. 

Covert types abuse boundaries by coercion. 

Covert types are the most skilled at using guilt-tripping on their targets when they don’t get what they want. 

They take a more indirect approach—either playing the victim or hero—while making you feel like a bad person if you don’t give them what they want.

The covert types always want your consent so they can keep their image clean.

Then after you get hurt, they tell you that it was your choice, even though they tricked you into it. But it wasn't a real choice. It was a double bind and it was based on deception.

That's why the covert form of abuse is so insidious.

You can count on guilt-tripping 100% of the time when you set a boundary with a covert manipulator.

Sometimes it’s very, very sophisticated and you won’t notice it’s happening.

You could think that you did something wrong or that they're actually concerned about you and just want you to be safe.

You might give in to the agenda of the covert manipulator in order to relieve yourself of the heavy burden of false guilt.

But this is a trap.

If you recognize that you have a people-pleasing compulsion, you probably struggle with the false guilt.

When the guilt-tripping happens, you might doubt yourself and think you did something wrong, so you try to make the other person happy or feel good. You aim to keep the peace in the relationship.

This is also called fawning. A tendency to fawn or appease makes you a prime target for covert manipulators and you might not recognize the abuse until it's too late.

If you want to develop immunity to manipulation, you'll need to reprogram this dysfunctional coping mechanism. 

You’ll find that giving in—while it creates a temporary relief of pressure—will only lead to long-term anxiety, panic, depression, more abuse, bigger life problems, loss of integrity, wellbeing, peace, self-trust, self-worth and a sense of self.

It’s always more uncomfortable and difficult to set and enforce the boundary in the moment. So think of this as an investment in your long-term peace.

Be wiling to do the hard work and withstand the temporary heat so you can maintain your integrity, health and wellbeing. 

Stay strong with your boundaries all the way through this process.

It's important to understand that the covert types are really good at this game. The guilt-trip is their specialty. It's how they get what they want and that can cost you a lot.

They will use meticulous phrasing in order to make you feel bad, to put you on the defensive and try to hook you into a boundary negotiation.

They will prey upon all your deepest fears and desires to get you to drop your boundary. The more you know yourself, the less they'll be able to trick you by using your fears and desires against you.

Do not underestimate how low they will go.

If you don’t give them what they want, they will eventually go for the jugular—whatever matters most to you or would hurt you the most.

They’ll cause you to doubt yourself and your worth as a human being if you don’t do what they want.

They’ll accuse you of hurting them or other people if you don’t do what they want.

They might even project and say that your boundaries are controlling or selfish, when they’re the ones trying to control you and get what they want from you!

When a narcissist or psychopath senses that they’re losing your supply source because you're holding your boundaries strong, they will throw in everything AND the kitchen sink.

One of the fastest ways to identify a toxic person is by setting a boundary and observing how they use an overt or covert form of boundary violation.

When you’re in it and don’t understand what’s happening, it’s utterly overwhelming.

But if you know to expect this, then when it happens, you can remind yourself how predictable it is and how desperate they are to maintain control over you. 

Don't let people control your self-perception. If you allow others to determine who you are, you won't be able to hold your boundaries when it most matters. 

You are allowed to say no and you are not responsible for how other people feel about your boundaries.