What Matters Is What You Do With It

We are suddenly living in strange times on Planet Earth. 

I wanted to do this podcast episode as an uplifting and helpful piece to help those of you who are feeling what most people are feeling right now, and who also have complex PTSD on top of it all. 

In this episode, I want to give you some helpful tips for managing the intense emotional experiences coming up, so you can process them and move forward into the challenging times ahead. 

When facing crisis and trauma, what most matters is what you do with it. Therein you’ll find your greatest power in these times. This theme is not new in our dialog. I’ve been training you on responding instead of reacting, not just to manipulators, but as a very important life lesson. Now more than ever, is when you need to put that training into practice. 

There are a lot of things that probably feel out of your control right now and this could be causing dread attacks, crushing anxiety, fear, feelings of being unsafe, loneliness, spontaneous crying and a restlessness that robs you of sleep at night. 

I hope the content in this episode will help you to face, process and move through these challenging times as we adjust to the changes, support ourselves through self-care and envision the world that we want to live in so that we never lose our hopes and dreams for the future.  

The 3 most common situations I imagine most of you are in right now are either that you’re:

1. alone and scared

2. quarantined in a home with toxic people that you literally cannot escape for the foreseeable future 

3. in a good living situation with supportive loving people but scared nonetheless because, who wouldn’t be?

So let's start by taking a deep breath. And on the exhale, I want to invite you to make any audible sound that your body feels like it wants to make. Just go ahead and let yourself do it without editing your experience or judging what it sounds like. 

(breathe) 

That felt good, didn’t it? Let’s do that 2 more times. 

(breathe 2 more times)

Don Américo, my teacher in Peru would say, “You can always breathe three times.” Keep that in mind anytime you don’t know what else to do in the moment. Start breathing. This is what buys you time as you mindfully choose your response instead of having an impulsive reaction. 

Alright, now we are all a little more relaxed.

Now, I want to encourage you to understand that how you experience the next several months, and years, is going to greatly depend on your perspective. 

Your perspective and your response to life are pretty much the only things you have control over right now. This is also your choice and your responsibility. You will remember, the rest of your life, how you handled yourself during these challenging times ahead. So choose carefully. One day you might even tell your grandkids what role you played during this turning point in history and what it was like for you. Remember that you are writing that story as we speak. 

We need to start with what we can control. 

We need to remember that for allllll the stuff that we can’t control right now, what we can do is release our desire to control it and understand that it is what it is. 

Surely some of you have realized that lesson when dealing with toxic family or friends. You might have really wanted those relationships to work out but at some point you might have realized that it is what it is and you can’t control who people are and how they behave. You might have had to make the difficult decision to create distance or go No Contact in order to protect your health and wellbeing because that was all you could control. 

There is a certain relief that comes with letting go of the desire to control the uncontrollable. 

Now this doesn’t mean that we go passively into the darkness. It means that we need to focus on what we can control and do the best we can with what we’ve got. 

So what can you do? 

You’ll find that a lot of the lessons you learned from experiencing narcissistic abuse will serve you well in our chaotic and quickly changing world. Remember your training and keep training every day to get better, to grow your awareness (of self and the world) to take responsibility for your life, and to take constructive action that contributes something positive to your life and the world. 

When I did the episode on the new Joker movie back in October, I talked about how abuse and trauma don’t guarantee that you’ll become like the Joker. I emphasized the importance of what you do with the cards that are dealt to you in life. Trauma is either going to turn you into the bitter monster who hurt you, OR, it’s going to be a crisis that motivates you to heal yourself and then help others in some way based upon what you learned in that process. This is why I use the phrase “bridging the gap between trauma and purpose.” 

This is the self-responsibility piece. We have a choice. We can let the abuse, chaos and trauma define us and hold us in states of confusion, powerlessness and helplessness OR we can re-define the crisis as a turning point of awakening in our lives. 

Undoubtedly, this is a turning point in your life. This is a turning point in history. 

By the way, if you’re looking for series, documentaries and movies on these topics while you’re quarantined at home, check out Gaia. I’ve partnered with Gaia to bring you complementary content that can help you in your recovery and personal growth process. If you want to sign up for a Gaia monthly membership, when you click the link in the show notes, you’ll be supporting me as part of your membership goes to Inner Integration. 

There has never been a better time to take responsibility for yourself.

The world events and media coverage could be causing you to want to give up, to feel like a victim, to slide into the apathy and learned helplessness. Don’t fall for this temptation! 

If ever there was a time to get serious about taking responsibility for your life, the time is now. 

We can take responsibility for ourselves and help our loved ones in times like this. This is how we can control what we can and avoid putting the locus of control outside ourselves, waiting for a savior to tell us what to do or to come rescue us. 

I mentioned in a recent video when I heard Dr. Ron Paul speak in February at Anarchapulco, he said, “Your greatest protection in these times is to take responsibility for your life and surround yourself with others who understand this message and are doing the same.”

Now I want to get into some practical things you can do to cope with what you might be feeling and going through. 

One of the most important topics that I want to address is grieving. 

Allowing the grieving process…

You might notice that you’re already going through the grieving cycle… shock, anger, bargaining, depression, panic, denial, confusion, numbness, fear, searching, isolation, guilt, loneliness, pain…. 

I’ve seen some mentors and influencers online promoting spiritual bypassing cliches, and I’m sorry it sounds nice, but that’s just not helpful right now. 

There is some truth in catch phrases like “Just be love, no fear” or “positive vibes only” or “there is no fear, only love”. However in times of loss, and grieving those losses, we need to allow ourselves to feel all the feels before we get to the love and inner peace. We might have glimpses of these love and peace feelings along the way too. But we also need to honor the process. 

It’s just like when a person is in an abusive relationship. If you tell them, “there’s no fear, only love” or “just be love everything will work out fine” these phrases could get a person killed because they’re in a bad situation that love isn’t going to fix. The only fix to an abusive situation is recognizing the abuse and opting out of it, then working on self-care to rebuild self-love.

It’s a bridge. You have to bridge the gap. You can’t just jump to the love vibe when shit is falling apart. First you have to let yourself fully feel it. Move through the layers of it. It’s a grieving process. And this one is going to be ongoing as the layers of crises and chaos keep coming up. So we are going to need to keep processing and grieving as stuff happens. 

Somewhere in that process, we can surrender to the love. I don’t mean romantic love. I mean the love that is all that is. Cosmic love as in the natural state of things, our true essence. 

Several years ago during one of my wachuma experiences, I drank the tea of the Andean cactus and after all the resistance, the pain, the emotional turmoil, the purging… I finally reached a moment where a deep sense of peace and tranquility permeated my being. Everything else disappeared and all that was left was this deep knowing that everything is love and love is all there is. I realized that everything is singing, dancing and breathing together and we are part of it all. We were never separate, even though we might’ve felt so alone in moments of our life. 

It was one of the most important experiences of my life. It was one of the most real experiences I’ve ever had. And yet it’s not a state of consciousness that’s easy to return to at will. When I am in stillness and silence, not distracted by thoughts and impulses to produce and consume, in those moments of tranquility I am able to feel glimpses of what I felt that day in Peru. Whenever I am scared or start sliding into panic, I remind myself to reconnect with that feeling of interconnectedness and cosmic love.

I wish I could share that experience with you so you could feel it to. I know my words formed by linear language constructs fall short of truly expressing the feeling that I want to convey. It’s my dream for everyone who wants to, to be able to experience what I experienced that day. Sometimes when I can truly connect to the feeling and express it to others, their eyes start tearing up and sometimes they even burst into tears. I think this is because people are dying to feel connected and loved, and not so alone and helpless. 

Ongoing work for this timeout at home… 

While we are taking a timeout from the physical, external world we can still be doing ongoing internal work that strengthens and prepares us for the future.

I want to give you some ideas for exploration to get you started on the possibilities of how you could use this time at home in the most beneficial way for yourself and others. 

You might choose to journal these answers, voice record yourself, make a vision board, draw or do some other form of art, or however you feel internally guided. 

Ask yourself: What really matters to you? 

The amazing gift hidden inside trauma and crisis is that these experiences force us to re-prioritize because suddenly what’s important becomes acutely clear. 

Write down what’s coming up for you. What really matters to you? Then, take a look back at your life leading up to the quarantine and see how those values, what is most important to you, fit into your daily life. After this clarification and perspective shift, you may need to reevaluate your current priorities. 

Ask yourself: What good can come of this? 

Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn a foreign language but you never had the time before. So get online and find a training program that you like. Some say they love duolinga. 

Maybe you’ve been putting off studying for an online exam for your career or your next level certifications, so get yourself a study space set up and put on your calendar the blocks of time that you’ll be there studying. Set a date for when you’ll take the exam. 

Maybe you’ve been wanting to get in shape but you just haven’t made it to the gym and now the gym is closed. So, you need to find a space in your home that you can use for training, or if it’s a very small home, identify the space that you’ll multipurpose as a part-time training zone. Figure out what exercises you want to do that you’d enjoy and can do with the resources you’ve got lying around. Maybe you have some weights, a yoga mat, a Pilates stretch band, a rowing machine, whatever. Get yourself a schedule for workouts and put it on the schedule so you do it. 

Maybe you’ve been dreaming about writing a book, but again the time thing was always an issue. Now that you have a lot of free time on your hands, get to it! 

Maybe you’d been so busy rushing around before the quarantine that you haven’t really connected with your loved ones. So reach out with a text, a call, FaceTime, an email, whatever you feel guided to. 

Maybe you’ve been biting your tongue and not expressing your love to someone out of fear or pride. So tell them. Show them that you love them. If one of you were no longer here tomorrow, would you regret not having expressed that love? 

Now I want to show you some specific exercises that might help you rescue yourself in difficult emotional moments. 

You can even do some of these exercise when you’re laying next to an abuser. Due to the quarantine or other life circumstances, you might be forced to be at home with an abusive person 24/7 when maybe before you had a break during the day because they were working or you were both working, or maybe one or both of you traveled a lot and now neither one of you have anywhere else to go. I have consoled myself to sleep before, doing this kind of visualization work. The best part is they have no idea what you’re doing.  The laying down visualization exercises could even help you fall asleep if you're struggling with insomnia due to anxiety that won’t shut off. 

Now, if the abusive person sleeping next to you is sensitive, which some covert types are, they might feel your energy and if they try to get your attention, just pretend like you’re sleeping and continue with the practice.

If you start to feel weepy...
Maybe you got some news that someone you love is on the frontlines or was rushed into urgent medical care, or is working in a high risk job and that suddenly makes you cry when you think about it. Or maybe you read something in the news that burned an image in your mind that you can’t get rid of. Maybe you even see something traumatic in person happening to others. Or maybe you just reflect on the world situation right now and you can’t stop the tears from flowing but you don’t even know what specifically is making you weepy. 

For these kinds of situations, just let yourself cry. Don’t choke the tears because you are embarrassed or try to tell yourself that it’s no use to cry or whatever else you’re telling yourself. I know it can feel uncomfortable crying in front of others, so find some space to yourself, even if it’s sitting on the toilet in the bathroom or in the shower, and let yourself cry for as long as you need to. 

If you start to feel worried because things are out of control...
Ask yourself, what can you control right now?

When these feelings of lack of control come on, it can make us feel helpless. So you have to help yourself. You have to pick yourself up and do something. 

To get a quick sense of control, I like to start with cleaning and organizing some space in my home. That gives an instant feedback of control because you can see the before and after. And it feels good too! It’s satisfying. 

Maybe you really need to get some work done and you’re avoiding your desk because it’s such a mess and you’ve been feeling lazy about it. So start there. Get your paperwork in order, get things organized and tidied up. Get your pile of need to do’s set so you can start to tackle them one by one. You’ll see how much your head can clear up when you get your stuff organized and handled. 

Maybe you’re concerned about the food supply. So start by organizing your pantry. Clean everything out so you can clean the cupboards or shelves first. Then start organizing supplies and finding the ideal spot for each item. Have a paper and pen nearby so you can be noting down the supplies that you still need to order from the grocery store. You can do the same process with your supply closet, your refrigerator, etc. 

Or maybe you want to start spending more time on the balcony or patio, but it’s a wreck, so put your focus into cleaning and organizing that space, making it comfortable and inviting so you want to spend time relaxing there. 

Maybe you decide to call up your lightworker friends to re-orient yourself to the mission and remember what you were born for. 

When crazy shit comes up, if there is nothing else you can control about the events, remember that the one thing you can control is how you respond to it. This is your greatest responsibility in life!

All of these things you can do in quarantine and restore some sense of control so you can feel empowered instead of helpless. 

If you start feeling unsafe and alone in the world... 
This can be quite common in PTSD and CPTSD collapses and also, right now as these global events are unfolding. 

These are what we call dread attacks. I have a YouTube video on that topic if you haven’t heard it yet or want to review it. You can also hear Venus and I sing to you a song that helps me to comfort myself when I have a dread attack. 

You might have moments, hours, even days where you can’t get out of bed once you’re in this state. Some of them blow over sooner than others. It depends how deep the layers of wounding are that you’re working on clearing. This experience isn’t a punishment, it’s an opportunity for healing. Like everything, it matters what you do with it. 

Your Original Wound from childhood could be getting triggered through some local event that’s happening to you right now, making you feel unsafe. The good news is if you’re quarantined at home, then you likely have plenty of time to deal with this. 

Let yourself take the time you need yet also keep in mind that since we are also in a pandemic, it’s important to keep our immune systems strong. The quicker you rescue yourself from a PTSD crash, the better. The longer it goes on, the more stress gets activated in your body and that will have negative effects on your immunity and other bodily systems for a long time. So if there was ever a time to step up into self-responsibility, this is it. 

I recommend not going to Netflix or video games or something that distracts your mind when you get into dread states. Your first instinct might be to numb it out or avoid it. Of course, no one wants to feel this. I recommend facing it head on. That means stop whatever you’re doing and laying down. Do not do this while driving. Put your phone or other devices on silent and away from you or put on a Solfeggio frequency. Whichever one you are drawn to is probably the one you need.  

Then get into bed and let yourself go within. Feel your body. Really let yourself feel every part of your body settle into the mattress. Feel how supported you are, how the mattress cradles your body and gives you comfort. From that safe space, let yourself explore the feelings of loneliness and unsafe. 

Maybe you notice it in your body. Maybe you feel emotions coming up. Maybe you are remembering flashbacks of the past when you felt like that before. Let yourself explore it all without judgment, just letting it unfold before you, within you. 

Then after a while, bring to mind a time in your life when you felt truly safe. 

When was it? Where were you? Were you alone or with someone? What was it about that situation that made you feel so safe? 

It might take you a while to really explore that last question. Take all the time you need. When you identify what about that situation or person or people made you feel so safe, integrate that feeling into your heart center. Remind yourself that you can call upon this feeling any time you need it because it’s part of you now. 

When you’re ready, wiggle your fingers and toes and open your yes, coming back fully present into this time and space.

I want to remind you of the importance of taking extra good care of your mental and emotional health (in addition to your physical health) right now, so you can keep your immune system as strong as possible. Stress lowers immunity. It’s very important to focus, now more than ever, on reducing your stress. 

If you start to slide into panic...
If you start to get sick you might slide into panic. 

This panic could also set in when you’re surpassing your daily emotional threshold of heavy news. 

It could happen when you hear something or see something that someone else is panicking about. Panic is very contagious. 

Resistance causes panic, surrender brings peace. 

Our world is changing quickly now, in ways most people never imagined possible.

When we resist facing reality, it gets very uncomfortable and then we can panic when the reality finally hits us. Panic can hijack the brain and cause unnecessary stress. It can also cause us to make poor decisions that could negatively affect ourselves and others. This is what we want to avoid. We can avoid panicking when we are responsible, informed and prepared to deal as best as we can with whatever is coming and also when we can rescue ourselves when we notice the panic is trying to get in.  

When we surrender to the acceptance of reality, that’s where we have the opportunity to find some peace. From that state, we are more likely to make better decisions and have better outcomes.  

Resistance sounds like: "This can’t be happening. Nooooo.” That’s often followed with impulsive actions or spinning in circles of exhaustion. 

Help yourself to surrender: Instead go lay down immediately if possible. At least sit down. Put your phone or other devices on silent and away from you. 

Let yourself go within. That means dropping your awareness down from your head and into your body. Then imagine allowing your awareness to go into your center. Feel it. Feel what’s going on in your body, in your being, without trying to control it. Let it be and just notice it. 

Then let your awareness move into the parts of your body where you’re gripping with stress, and release those. One by one. 

Take some deep breaths into your heart center and feel your heart calm down. 

Another helpful position for panic and heart-racing is to lay on your bed with your butt up against the headboard or wall, and your legs vertically up the wall. This helped me so much when I was getting hypertension last week and I didn’t know why. I think it was just stress. It was making me feel like I couldn’t breathe but it wasn’t my lungs. It felt like someone had their hand around my neck strangling me and cutting off the blood supply, and therefore the oxygen. After laying like this for a little bit I noticed how I was breathing easier, my heart rate slowed down and my chest didn’t feel as much pressure.  It brings a sense of calm. 

Envisioning your hopes and dreams for the future… 
Now I want to invite you to do a little visualization to keep your hopes and dreams alive during scary, dark times. It’s so important that we don’t allow the despair to take us over. We have to hold the light. 

Please don’t do this while you’re driving. For best results, I recommend to lay down and fully let go into the experience. Put your phone on silence and all devices away from you to avoid distractions. 

Go ahead and close your eyes. Let your body sink into the support of the mattress or wherever you are sitting or laying. Feel the support beneath you. 

Start taking some slow deep breaths without straining your body. Let it be natural. Inhaling fresh clean energy and exhaling all of the rest. 

Allow your body to relax more deeply. 

Now bringing your awareness to any parts of your body where you feel stress or tension, and releasing that as you exhale. Feel your body relaxing deeply. 

Imagine now, a giant ball of golden white light filling and surrounding you with protection and a sense of safety. Feel its warmth embracing you. 

Now allowing yourself to bring to mind, your dreams or hopes for the future. Maybe it’s one thing, maybe it’s many things that you want to create. Go ahead and let it all play out in your mind as if it’s already happening. 

If anything undesirable creeps in, immediately cancel or delete it without letting your mind run with it. If you suddenly get bombarded with intrusive images of fear and despair, make a command like “Clear the screen” and come back to your golden white light. Then start creating images of your hopes and dreams again. 

Feel yourself really living that reality of your dreams. 

What does it look like? 
Sound like? 
Smell like? 

Touch it in your mind and feel how real it is. 

Remind yourself that you are a sovereign being alive on Planet Earth where you can dream and create as you wish. Remind yourself why you are alive. 

Remind yourself that you can command control of your mind with your will power, anytime you wish.  

Now anchor your dreams and hopes in your heart with the intention to create these in your reality. Anytime in the future if you start to feel despair, reconnect with this feeling in your heart and remember why you are here. 

When you’re ready, you can wiggle your fingers and toes, and open your eyes, coming back fully present in this time and space. 

I hope this episode helped give you some ideas and tools that you can use to make the most of the situation you are in right now, that we are in collectively as humanity. I hope that my words reminded you that you do have control over some things in your life and you can turn a shitty situation into a powerful learning experience that will serve you the rest of your life. 

Whatever you choose to do with this time, I guarantee you’ll always remember that. 

You could use this time to self-care, to notice how the current global trauma is triggering your earlier life traumas, so you can delve deeper into them, to process and release them. 

Use this forced time at home as a gift to work on your healing process, to understand and work through the personal trauma that you experienced, so you can better understand the collective trauma that everyone is starting to go through. 

There are going to be people around you who are very lost. Surely you’ll feel lost at times too. None of us really knows WTF is going on, or what is coming, but we are all in it together. 

You now have the opportunity to put into practice what you’ve learned personally about healing trauma through your life experiences. You may be called to help others. People who might have scoffed at your experience of abuse and trauma before might be the first to show up looking for guidance or just someone to talk to and vent. You will have opportunities to help others. 

Those of us who have been through complex traumas, and are working on healing ourselves, we can be the lighthouses for others in times like this. We know trauma and we know how to survive. We are resilient. We now have the opportunity to guide others who feel lost in the storm at sea. 

Of course we are going to feel lost at times too. You don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out to lead others. 

You don’t have to be speaking to the entire world either. You could be helping your loved ones. That already makes a difference in the world. 

Let your past serve you as valuable wisdom to extract and apply as needed as we move forward from here. 

When you step up to contribute, you take leaps forward in your own healing. 

Most people in affected areas are going to have PTSD from this whole experience. When it’s all said and done, more people will understand from experience, how trauma affects us. 

You are already ahead of the game if you’ve been figuring out your own life trauma. Remember your training. Now is your opportunity to put into practice everything you’ve learned. 

We can look at this as an opportunity to re-evaluate. When you are forced into change, you are forced to look at yourself and your life differently. Your usual daily distractions are mostly gone. Many of your escape mechanisms, too. You’re left to face yourself and your life, and get real. 

So let’s get real and let’s get to work and let’s make the best of this situation together. 

I love you all.