Codependency Recovery

Narcissistic abuse grooms and conditions you to develop patterns of codependency in order to survive. This could happen in adult relationships and also from growing up in a narcissistic family. 

There can be a lot of shame around coming to terms with codependency. You might be thinking, I'm not codependent, I'm very independent! That was my exact thought when someone told me for the first time that my boyfriend was a narcissist and I needed to get help for codependency.

The thing is, the word codependency doesn't really explain what it is. I define it as people-pleasing and self-abandonment. John Bradshaw, author of Homecoming, describes codependency as spiritual bankruptcy. Ross Rosenberg describes it as self-love deficit. 

In the following Q&A video, someone asked me if a lack of self-love is the core problem of codependency.

Maybe you can relate to the feelings of the querent: "About 7-8 years ago I thought I had figured it all out about narcissistic abuse after this relationship and studying it all. I thought I had it all back together after losing almost everything (relationship, myself, work, house etc.). Then in 2013 'forgotten' memories about my mother surfaced. I'm trying to better explain the deeply ingrained anger, distrust and core loneliness that becomes the result of being brought up by a severely cruel narcissistic mother and an enabling/scared father. I realize now, I was damaged and alone trying all my live to repair the damage with my parents (especially my mother) and all kinds of 'wrong' people later on. Repeating the drama again and again. There is a hole in the soul that can not be filled only with 'self love' I still believe. Loving yourself has no worth if no one is loving you for it and no one is loving you back. That's why 'self love' is not the core-problem imo. Not being loved, used and abused creates the problem. This was and is my objection with the view Ross Rosenberg and many others take. I know no one can heal another soul. You have to do the work yourself. But without some love and understanding from others I believe it's totally impossible for victims of this kind of abuse to recover only by telling them they have to respect and love themselves more."

Here is another video Q&A that you might relate to, whether you were already codependent or if the adult relationship caused you to develop the codependency patterns.

The querent asked: "After my codependent relationship with a narc I had doubts whether i was a narc or not but I know better now! Now I'm wondering if the narc/relationship made me codependent or that I was codependent all along. Because before this relationship with a narc I thought I was just a caring person, but a little insecure and with a lack of boundaries. I have the best parents in the world, nothing wrong with my youth etc. If I look at the signs of a codependent person, that was 100% me in this toxic relationship. Am I codependent and is this a bad thing? It makes me feel again that a lot of things were my fault…” 

Finally, I want to share this podcast episode with you on Codependency Caused by Abuse.

If you're ready to heal from the people-pleasing and self-abandonment that you were conditioned to do since childhood, check out the Self-Care Mastery Course.

This advanced course will help you to create an entirely new and healthy relationship with yourself. You'll have the opportunity to address the roots of the issues caused by narcissistic abuse since childhood. As you put into practice these new tools in specific areas of your life, you will master the art of radical self-care and shift yourself into Stage Three (Thriver).